MusicTank

Machine-built, lazer-guided pop is the real sound of 2007.  'Song 4 Mutya (Out Of Control)' and 'Umbrella' are the bone fide hits of the summer and expose the supposedly-authentic Johnny Borrell, Gary Lightbody and Him From Editors as being as little more than nutmeg in Fanta - neither interesting nor palatable.

All summer, doing a kind of 21st Century perv-robot rain dance, Rihanna has controlled the UK charts and laughed in the face of the wobble-lipped pretenders to her throne, sending them back down the pile with a nonchalant flick of her wrist.  A 10-week number 1 song that is still as thrilling as the first time you ever heard it.

So, what on Earth possessed her to go about ruining the whole thing by doing (ten weeks late) a tie-in branded umbrella (see the creative there and weep) with Totes?  Her next single is called 'Shut Up & Drive' so we can expect a tie-in with Castrol GTX when it starts to exit the charts.  It's one thing to miss an open goal; it's another entirely to clumsily hoof a ball goal-ward when everyone else on the pitch has gone home and are having fish fingers and chips.  What a load of old bollocks (ollocks-ollocks-eh-eh).